The notes will probably make more sense if you look at lesson 23 in your book (or google it, its out there). I was totally loving the part about escaping the world i see by giving up attack thoughts (hell, thats why i started meditating and it has made work 100% better) but then i came across line 4 in paragraph 3...
"Is not fantasy a better word for such a process and hallucinations a more appropriate term for the result?"
I think i just right away took offense to the term hallucination and just kind of lost it for a little bit. Before i could even finish the lesson i had to do this to kind of help calm my nerves...
I brought down some of my favorite stuffed animals (who also happen to be the main characters in my NaNoWriMo novel, but that is a post for another day) from my desk shelf and put them on my bed. Part of it was just getting them off my shelf and holding them made me feel better, and the other part was knowing they were right by my pillow and i could cuddle them if i needed/wanted to. Yes, i know im 28 but stuffed animals have in one way or another always been part of my heeling process.
But back to the lesson... once i got over my lil break down over the term "hallucination" i was able to get through the rest of the lesson fine. I mean who doesn't want to leave for somewhere better? And if all we have to do is give up attack thoughts to get there then im on board!
And then after tonights State of the Union (for those of you living in the US) i did my notes for lesson 24...
I can happily say that there were no minor freak outs or any crying during this lesson. Though i will say this lesson did require a bit more time and thought (i always go over the time they give me, but it just kind of happens). Also the reasons for the numbers was to actually help out those of you that are seeing my notes on my blog or over at HerFuture or MiracleShare. Since there was more then one blank to fill out i numbered everything so you could put the corresponding word/phrase where it needed to go. Yes i know i have four for all of them but there are only three blanks. The lesson said to cover as many outcomes as that occur to me so i did. (More came later to me but i only had so much space to work with).
I will have to say the one where i talk about "myself" really started to stir up a lot of shit (though not nesc bad shit) in me. While i would like to say that i am recovered (though really can you every be recovered... is it more like a lifelong recovery process) from my eating disorder i still sometimes have those thoughts that are like "if my weight gets to so many pounds im gonna have to do something about it." And while i have been able to give away most of my eating disorder related books (fiction and biographical novels) for some reason i cant seem to give up my copy of Wasted or THIN (my recovery related books are obviously keepers). Its like they have sentimental value to me (and i made a ton of notes in the margins of Wasted) and if i gave them up i would be giving up a part of me. Just another part of me that i really have to work on.
But now i am sleepy so i therefor can not come up with a neat and tidy way to wrap up this blog post other then leave you with a youtube video of one of the songs that i love to fall asleep to...
Story of the Year - "Anthem of Our Dying Day.
Ya, i know i fall asleep to not so typical "sleepy time"
music but that is just kind of how i am. I also love
to close my eyes and listen to this song during the day. The
imagery my mind comes up with is amazing.
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